About two months ago Charleen appeared at Fort Lee High School. She is a senior, like me, and happens to be in my chorus class. I had spoken to her only a couple of times before this week, enough to know that she plays two instruments, happens to be a very good student, and has very strict parents. That was all I knew. Then this week for some reason she decided to open up to me. She told me all about her family situation. She told me she is beaten by her parents, who are alcoholics. She told me she isn't allowed to sing, not allowed to go out. She is only allowed to practicer playing her instruments in her room and to have a job. She told me that her parents abuse her both physically and mentally and that her sister, who is now at NYU, was never treated that way. She told me her parents consider her a mistake. Charleen tried talking to the school psychologist, who ended up telling her boss about her family situation, and as a result Charleen was fired. She tried talking to social workers, but no one will believe her because her parents are Asian, and they live in a very neat and clean apartment, hardly "the scene" for an abusive home. So Charleen comes to school crying every day, knowing that there is nothing she can do. And she tells people in hopes that someone will believe her...and she told me. I have a desperate urge to help Charleen. People have grown tired of her...they say it's too exhausting to see her that way every day, too exhausting to be helpless. I can't help but listen and want to cry. I can't help but WANT to help in any way I can. I hate feeling powerless, especially over a situation like that, one which I have experienced in a MUCH, MUCH lower degree, but still feel through her stories. I know that every time she talks about it I become more and more sensitive, more and more susceptable to being hurt, but I listen anyway...because she needs to be heard. I told my mom and my mom is thinking of what she could do...but I know that all I can do for now is listen...and try to think of something. I tried telling Mannie and he said there was nothing I could do and that she might be lying. Everyone thought Sasha was lying until I found razers and bloodied paper towels in her drawer. No one trusts anyone anymore. He even said he doesn't trust anyone when they talk about their family situations at first. I guess that means he didn't believe me.
Mannie is a completely different issue. I NEED him to tell me how he feels about me. I know it's very girlish, but I don't have anyone else who does. And I NEVER let any guy in, and I let him in...so WHY can't he just tell me that he cares? I'm not asking for a confession of undying love, but just some expression of caring. Otherwise I feel like he only cares when he's getting some sort of sensual pleasure. I know he's not the type to use any girl for that..and I know he's not using me. But I need him to tell me he cares. And I don't want to tell him that I need that because I feel that he should want to tell me. I once asked him why he always tries to convince other people that everything in his life is fine...even me. He said he'll tell me things in pieces. I know I should be patient, but it drives me crazy that he won't let me in. It drives me crazy that I actually let him in before he let me in...and I get worried that he'll never open his heart to me. I've never dated anyone so complicated. I always thought I'm the complicated one. I guess we both are. And I guess we'll both drive each other nuts pretty soon. Mannie is so much like my father...minus the physical and mental abuse tendencies. I guess I'm doomed.