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, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[14 Aug 2006|09:33am]
You speak of hearts but you know not of what you speak. A heart is energy, not love; it is a blood pump, a generator. Everything else is your mind, your brain, science, attraction. It's disappointing that disappointment is just a chemical imbalance, that doubt is just an illusion, that an illusion is just a missing proton, electron, neutron, some scientific inhumane element. Everything that means anything at all to me is just something you can put in a test tube. My "feelings" just an experiment, objects, matter. Well then what of religion? Wars? Nonsense, science. Psychologists turning your life, your experiences, into a capsule you should take once a day. Your every trait traced back to genetics. And then there's society--turning life into a rule book. When did we become so mechanic? When did we become machines?
1 unknown road| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
break, break-up, break-down, break-in, break-through [29 Jul 2006|05:37pm]
We are all divides, cracks. tectonic plates. we are all dangerous; we all transfer energy; we are all capable of breaking anyone or anything around us, not excluding ourselves. we cause friction and sometimes we cause earthquakes, people-quakes, breaks. break-ups, break-ins, break throughs. we are the world's most dangerous natural disaster: we are the human race.

think about loneliness- (n.)sadness developing from being foresaken or abandoned. yet we are all without purpose, without guidance. we have no idea what the hell we're here for and so we all consider ourselves abandoned or foresaken. so we look to god. SURELY we belong to someone, SURELY someone will look after us. and in the meantime we can continue to be assholes because SURELY we are the be-all and end-all of the world. the universe depends on us. poor, lonely, purpose-driven human beings. SURELY god will save us all.

yeah, right.

my brain hurts, i don't think i can write more than this today. perhaps i'll try again tomorrow. some day it'll come out.
choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[14 Jul 2006|09:08am]
I am at work; the last thing I should be doing right now is writing in this journal. Oh well, fuck it. Today I watched the news for admittedly the first time in a long time. I just don't LIKE the news. You never know how much truth you're getting. We think we're living in such a safe, democratic country..we think we know exactly what's going on in the world and where we stand. Actually, we have no idea how much of what we're being told is actually happening the way it's said to, how much of our "policy" is actually being put forth. It's a lot like serving a very sneaky "Big Brother." At least the Big Brother in 1984 didn't try to hide his absolutely disgusting need for omnipotence. Well anyway, I was watching the little old Israeli women and the anchorman over there is commenting on her hysteria while she's pushing the camera away. I don't know exactly what I think about that but it struck a nerve somewhere. I'm still trying to organize my thoughts about it.
choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
london calling... [29 Apr 2006|01:14pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I don't think I've ever missed London so much. I don't think I've ever missed a place so much. But then again, London was not just a place...it was an experience. EVERYTHING reminds me of it. London was my first love; I've never loved anything so much. Isn't that sad? To love the memory of some abstract idea more than a person, more than almost anything else? But I never felt more alive and complete than I did in London. And even if I went back, it wouldn't be the same. Because it was the group of people I was with, the time of year, the time in my life, the people I met there when I met them, where we were staying and who else was staying there when we were...all those little things that matter so much. I miss the spontenaety, having the city as my playground...I miss the smell of academia in an urban environment that wasn't depressing...knowing that I'm coming home to friends. I miss the 19 bus, how calm and peaceful it was. You couldn't even feel that the bus was moving..and everyone on the bus was reading or listening to music, in their private little world. I miss the London Museums, my favorite. God, I miss it all.

3 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[27 Mar 2006|12:02pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Had the greatest weekend. Erica, Leah, and I took a roadtrip down to WPI in Worcester, Mass to visit some friends that we met in London. It was a LOT of fun. We stayed at Mike's apartment and met his roommates, and consequently had a drunken dance party until 6 AM. Leah's birthday was on Sunday so we all went out for brunch and had her open her presents.

I've been thinking a lot about school. Should I stay at Skidmore or transfer? What should I major in? Here's what I've come up with so far. I feel that I should give Skidmroe more of a chance since this semester has been so atypical. After all I love my professors and my friends. I'm extremely excited about rooming with Erica next semester and living on campus for a change. It's also so incredibly easy to study abroad here. As for the major part of it, I've been thinking about double majoring in Business and Sociology and double minoring in Chinese and English. It sounds like a lot, but I really feel that I want to have a good background in all of those things, especially since China is currently the fastest growing economy in the world--it would be useful to know the language, almost stupid not to know it. I'd have to take summer clases, but it would be worth it. I'm always talking about how unproductive I feel. By immersing myself in academics I'd be forcing myself to be productive.

I'm not being very cohesive in my thoughts here but I've got 10 minutes before I have to leave for class so oh well.

choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[06 Mar 2006|10:21am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Erica and I stayed up all night working on our Sociology paper and now we are both running on zero hours of sleep. She told me about this friend of hers who got stress-induced shingles and now I am very scared. I do not want red spotty things!!! Take me back to London. At least shingles in London would've been worth it.

In other news, my i-pod is being a douche bag. The play button doesn't work; I have to either press on it really hard or wait until it works. That and it also powers down, saying it's running on no battery when I just charged it and the display screen itself shows that I have battery left. Anybody know what the hell possessed my i-pod? If you do, let me know.

choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[04 Mar 2006|09:20pm]
have you ever done anything so generally unaccepted and out of the norm that you don't even know if it was the right thing to do, even if at some points in your thinking you believed that it was your only way to righteousness? well if you have, give me a call...because I seriously need to talk to you.

Here's a thought:
These days it seems clear that humans came into existence as a result of evolution, as did everything else on this planet. Fine. Homo sapiens came into being approximately 500,000 years ago, whereas the first true human-like genus, Australophtecus, is thought to have evolved about 4.2 million years ago and stayed in existence until about 1 million years ago. As austrolipithecines changed with every species, and finally evolved into Homo habilis, Homo erectus, and possibly into Homo neanderthalus one could follow the small changes in cranium size, bone structure, culture, and tooth structure in an almost methodical manner. Every species was a little bit more advanced than the one that preceded it. Until of course we appeared. Homo neandertalus hardly had speech capabilities, and here we are on the verge of creating Artificial Intelligence smarter than we are. How is it possible that there could be such a huge leap in advancement when previously the differences between hominid species were so small? What's the missing link?

Any thoughts? comment =)
2 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
If only we could stay... [19 Oct 2005|07:30am]
[ mood | complacent ]

So here I am, in London. Been here for almost two months now and I finally see my life for what it is. I finally see myself and am no longer afraid to actually use my eyes and believe what they show me. Of course home looks like a hell-hole from here. It's like I'm gazing down from behind a cloud to see a black hole where my life used to be. Escape was a plane-ride away. I wonder if anyone survives like that...hopping from one place to another. I mean when you come anywhere new for the first time no one wants to show you their scars. So you're all just a bunch of stars trading light until it's time, the sky splits open, shows you what darkness looks like, and it's time to move again. It's like that song.."Such Great Heights" by Iron and Wine...

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, theyll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now
But we'll stay.

If only we could stay.

3 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
To being an us for once instead of a them....la vie boheme! [13 Apr 2005|12:06am]
[ mood | sick ]

I'm going to miss New York City. I'm going to miss growing up. It seems to have passed by so quickly and I want to do so much. The time for dreaming has passed...now it is time for action, and I spend too much time dreaming and not enough time doing, too much time hesitating and thinking and imagining...too much time in my perfectly painted fantasy land where there is always a story to tell and where I am somewhat like the man in the movie Big Fish...full of stories that leave people wondernig...because I lived such a fulfilled life and never failed to take a chance. But in reality there is no such person...and fucking reality sets up too many obstacles for being spontaneous. And when you talk to it about living in your small log cabin in Alaska it tells you, "You're not talking about that shit again, are you?" And i get mad. I get mad because he is telling me my fantasy world is shit, but he is right...and I realize...that I am all alone in my naivette...that there is no way my spirit can survive in this world unless it is completely ostracized. Life is so beautiful, but Jean Paul satre was right...hell is right here on earth....in other people.

3 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[31 Mar 2005|01:46am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Today Mannie drove me to visit Syracuse University. He drove me a total of EIGHT hours so that I could see that school. I don't know anyone else in this world who would do that for me for completely unselfish reasons. It was really nice of him. The school itself was AWESOME and left me completely confused as to which to choose. On the way home Mannie and I weighed out the positives and negatives of Syracuse and Miami ( I narrowed my choices down to those 2 in order to make life less complicated) and we decided that Syracuse had more pro's than Miami did. So now what I have to do is run it by my dad and make sure he's willing to pay for it. I have a feeling he's going to try to convince me to go to Miami...which is understandable since they gave me a scholarship, but now I've really started to like Syracuse better after having discussed it...and it'd be a shame. So tomorrow I'm going to call the Admissions Office at Syracuse and see if I qualify for any merit scholarships. The only main negative at Syracuse is that I'd have to wait a year before transferring to Newhouse and I'd have to have a 3.5 GPA in order to do it...but I'll overcome that by taking all Intro-classes freshman year.

Oh, and I got rejected from Tufts. Which is okay because I expected that anyway.

K, well night kids!

4 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
I GOT A BEACH BALL!!! [28 Mar 2005|02:22pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I had SO much fun this weekend. Yesterday Rachel, Olga, Steph, and I went into the city to see Good Vibrations. First we stopped at Starbucks and met Valerie for coffee (discounted 'cause I work there!!) and then stopped at Sephora to try on free make-up. Then we finally went to Good Vibrations, which for those of you who don't know is a musical based on the Beach Boy..it was cute. I mean it wasn't wonderful or anything, but it satisfied my craving for something really uppidy. AND towards the end they were throwing beachballs around and I got one!! a HUGE one. so we waited outside for the cast members to come out and sign it. (Olga got a beach ball as well, but mine was bigger :P) So then we walked around Times Square with our enormous beach balls and went to dinner at Europa Cafe. It was SO much fun...I love my girls!!

Now..college. Here is the status as of right now:

Rejected -- Brandeis :( and Boston College

Accepted -- University of Miami, Syracuse University, Skidmore College, Fordham University, Union College, and Drew University

Waitlisted-- Hamilton College and Lafayette College

Haven't heard from -- Tufts University and Colgate University

So that's the rundown. Out of the ones I got into I'm seriously considering University of Miami, Syracuse, Skidmore, and Fordham...any advice about choosing???

8 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[07 Mar 2005|03:08am]
[ mood | happy ]

life can be SO fucking random. I love that about it. I would hate living a routine life. It's like Socrates said..."the unexamined life is not worth living." Soc is the MAN. yesterday my boyfriend suprised me and came over because he knew I was upset about his little "pact." but i also surprised HIM because i got my hair cut pretty short...he liked it, though. BACK to the point. He aplogized to me and said that he was going to start treating me better because he doesn't want to lose me. I made dinner for us and he set up a candel-lit table...we played cards, played geo safari world...and he slept over. nothing happened...it was just nice. He even told me he loved me...and I even believed him. Then today I went to NYC with Olga and Danica. We were going to meet up with Jon and his roommate and then go to see Good Vibrations. BUT when we get to the city we realize that Good Vibrations isn't playing. Olga got really upset because she thought the day was ruined. Jon and his roommate were about an hour late...and Danica and I were starting to get annoyed with Olga's negative attitude. But then David called me and said he wanted to meet up for dinner...so at 5 we all met at the Olive Garden...the 6 of us...and had an AMAZING time..just talking. for the first time in a long time i didn't feel like some little high school girl because I was talking to REAL people...I felt mature...and I knew that this is what college will be like and I loved it. Then the guys went there seperate ways and Olga, Danica and I went to Starbucks. We talked a lot and Olga and I both got REALLY close with Danica...she and I have a lot in common especially. while we were talking my boyfriend called me...he sounded really upset so i told him that i'd be home at 10 and asked him to come over. we took the bus home...(olga and i made a deal that if i found her a prom date she'd teach me how to dance :-P) and then he came over. it was so nice...i baked him some blondies because he was sick...and he sat with me while i did my homework. he stayed until 2. somehow we got to talking about each other...and he was telling me all these things he knew about me. all this time i thought he didnt take the time to notice who i was. after all, he never asked me to read a poem or to play the piano for him. not that i want to show off, but i'd want him to know what my passions are. but it turns out he knows a lot about me that other people don't know. he knows my details and i love that. he's been trying really hard to change his ways...and he's been a lot greater to me now. i know it's only been 2 days...but i guess we'll see. and that's what i love. the RANDOMNESS. to be able to say..."we'll see what happens in the future...who knows?" there are some things we should be able to control...like our goals and things we want to accomplish...everything else is left to providence...and that's a damn good thing.

4 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
the "revelation" [02 Mar 2005|08:50pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i was running outside the other day when i came to a revelation. well it wasnt really a revelation 'cause it's been something i've been chewing on for a while, but it finally made sense to me. whenever we think to ourselves that we have just hit the bottom of the well, it just can't get any worse, "WHY" is this happeing to me...it all happens so that at a certain point down the road...at a very crucial point something will happen to completely counteract that low. and it wont be something random either...it will be something that when it happens you'll think "so THIS is why that happened to me in the first place." or let's say you make a bad decision and you think you can get away with it...at a crucial point at a certain time down the road something will happen where you'll have to go through something you may not have expected...and you'll see that it relates right back to that decision, and now you have the option of fixing it again...getting back to level 0. you may think it's silly that i'm taking the time to type this...silly girl, what the hell does she know, she's only 17...it's easy to be an optimist when you're 17. well i can tell you that i am not usually an optimist. but you can't be a pessimist forever and expect to get through life having experienced it. you can say "i've experienced all the evils in this world, and i can tell you that it's all just a bunch of shit anyway" or you can say that yeah, life is full o' shit...but i lived it and i learned things and i don't regret one damn day of it. but anyway...back to my original point...just think about it and get back to me...i may be wrong, it may be something that just happens to me, or maybe i'm just crazy. but too many things happen at certain times for it all to be random. fate is a bad word for it...because fate means you have no control...but maybe there's like a pattern and you have to connect the dots.

6 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[24 Feb 2005|11:50am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

wow i haven't updated in the longest time. my overdue new year's resolution: update live journal frequently.

well i guess the biggest thing is that my dad's moved into a new house in Closter, NJ. I'm still not reay to let go of the old house. Too many memories, too many feelings, too many secrets in too many corners. My stepmom is so setteld in...she loves it...and i'm still struggeling with the notion that I'll never be able to pass by my old house and call it my own...and I'll never be able to walk to Rachel's house using the same path from my house and have it be the same. Yeah, there's this one path that I've been using to get to Rachel's house (because she lives one block away from where I used to live) for 10 years. I mean if you could see footsteps there would be imprints from how many times I've walked that path. And I'm going to miss watching the trees change color right through our old front window...there were two huge overlapping trees which turned the most beautiful colors standing like a gate in front of our house.

let's see what else. jewtopia! for thos of you who are Jewish and live in the city I strongly reccommend seeing this play -- Jewtopia! It is SO funny...you will die. It makes fun of us so bad! Jews know how to make fun of themselves, I'll tell ya that.

Tomorrow I'm going with Rachel to meet this guy, Andy, who she really likes. It's going to be tricky because he's not really that comfortable around Jews...she's kind of the exception. I really hope that he treats her well.

2 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[15 Dec 2004|09:32pm]
[ mood | sad ]

About two months ago Charleen appeared at Fort Lee High School. She is a senior, like me, and happens to be in my chorus class. I had spoken to her only a couple of times before this week, enough to know that she plays two instruments, happens to be a very good student, and has very strict parents. That was all I knew. Then this week for some reason she decided to open up to me. She told me all about her family situation. She told me she is beaten by her parents, who are alcoholics. She told me she isn't allowed to sing, not allowed to go out. She is only allowed to practicer playing her instruments in her room and to have a job. She told me that her parents abuse her both physically and mentally and that her sister, who is now at NYU, was never treated that way. She told me her parents consider her a mistake. Charleen tried talking to the school psychologist, who ended up telling her boss about her family situation, and as a result Charleen was fired. She tried talking to social workers, but no one will believe her because her parents are Asian, and they live in a very neat and clean apartment, hardly "the scene" for an abusive home. So Charleen comes to school crying every day, knowing that there is nothing she can do. And she tells people in hopes that someone will believe her...and she told me. I have a desperate urge to help Charleen. People have grown tired of her...they say it's too exhausting to see her that way every day, too exhausting to be helpless. I can't help but listen and want to cry. I can't help but WANT to help in any way I can. I hate feeling powerless, especially over a situation like that, one which I have experienced in a MUCH, MUCH lower degree, but still feel through her stories. I know that every time she talks about it I become more and more sensitive, more and more susceptable to being hurt, but I listen anyway...because she needs to be heard. I told my mom and my mom is thinking of what she could do...but I know that all I can do for now is listen...and try to think of something. I tried telling Mannie and he said there was nothing I could do and that she might be lying. Everyone thought Sasha was lying until I found razers and bloodied paper towels in her drawer. No one trusts anyone anymore. He even said he doesn't trust anyone when they talk about their family situations at first. I guess that means he didn't believe me.

Mannie is a completely different issue. I NEED him to tell me how he feels about me. I know it's very girlish, but I don't have anyone else who does. And I NEVER let any guy in, and I let him in...so WHY can't he just tell me that he cares? I'm not asking for a confession of undying love, but just some expression of caring. Otherwise I feel like he only cares when he's getting some sort of sensual pleasure. I know he's not the type to use any girl for that..and I know he's not using me. But I need him to tell me he cares. And I don't want to tell him that I need that because I feel that he should want to tell me. I once asked him why he always tries to convince other people that everything in his life is fine...even me. He said he'll tell me things in pieces. I know I should be patient, but it drives me crazy that he won't let me in. It drives me crazy that I actually let him in before he let me in...and I get worried that he'll never open his heart to me. I've never dated anyone so complicated. I always thought I'm the complicated one. I guess we both are. And I guess we'll both drive each other nuts pretty soon. Mannie is so much like my father...minus the physical and mental abuse tendencies. I guess I'm doomed.

1 unknown road| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
hear me [14 Dec 2004|11:19pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Mad Season by Matchbox Twenty

i feel stupid - but i know it won't last for long
i've been guessing, but I could've been guessing wrong
you don't know me now
i kinda thought that you should somehow
has that whole mad season got ya down?

i feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes
i've been changing - think it's funny how no one knows
we don't talk about the little things that we do without
when that whole mad season comes around

so why ya gotta stand there
looking like the answer now
it seems to me you'd come around
i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out - i'm lost and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken though i've never spoken
i come undone - in this mad season

i feel stupid - but i think ive been catchin' on
i feel ugly but i know i still turn you on
you seem colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
will that whole mad season knock you down

so are you gonna stand there or
are you gonna help me out
you need to be together now - i need you now

now i'm cryin' - isn't that what you want
i'm tryin' to live my life on my own
but i won't
at times - i do believe i am strong
so someone tell me why, why, why
do i feel stupid
and i came undone

choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[11 Dec 2004|04:04pm]
[ mood | weird ]

TEN Random Things About Me
10. i am obsessed with spongebob squarepants
9. i think really weird things are funny
8. i'm very sensitive
7. i love broadway musicals
6. i sing all the time
5. i cry pretty often
4. i love triumph the insult comic dog
3. i want to write at least one novel before i die and have it published
2. i'm scared of college
1. i love to travel

NINE Places I've Visited
9. Scotland
8. Yosemite, California
7. Italy
6. France
5. Spain
4. Oxford, England
3. London
2. Boston
1. Rhode Island

EIGHT Things I Want To Do Before I Die
8. be in an herbal essences commercial...don't ask
7. perform in a broadway musical...even as one of the little backup people
6. open my own orphanage type thing...but make it in a huge house where i'm the one who takes care of all the kids 5. write and publish a book
4. get recruited by the FBI for some undercover work.
3. have a palace built in the canadian rockies
2. live in Salem, Massachusetts
1. raise a kid of my own

SEVEN Ways To My Heart
7. love me for the little things
6. let me be the first one he calls when something funny happens...or when something horrible happens...or when something really great happens
5. be able to talk about anything
4. know how to kiss
3. be a little sneaky...not in a bad way
2. let me in
1. understand me

SIX Things I Believe In
6. love
5. spirits
4. imagination
3. life in other galaxies
2. the power people have over one another
1. knowledge

FIVE Things I'm Afraid Of
5. snakes
4. tornados
3. being hurt
2. being alone
1. being like my father

FOUR Of My Favorite Items In My Bedroom
4. my bed
3. my poetry wall
2. my picture wall
1. my stuffed animals

THREE Things I Do Everyday
3. brush my teeth
2. eat
1. type/write

TWO Things I Am Trying Not To Do Right Now
2. college essay
1. go the the Hanukkah dinner shit

ONE Person I Want To See Right Now
1. Rachel

choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[10 Dec 2004|06:02pm]
1 unknown road| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
[08 Dec 2004|02:56pm]
Don't you hate it when you're walking in the freezing cold, you feel like your legs are developing an ice covering and then when you walk inside you start sweating to death? GAH! Well, anyway I'm sitting in school waiting for 9th period to end. Just got back from applying at CVS. If I don't get the job at CVS that just means that I am unhirable. Apparently I have some quality that prevents EVERY store from hiring me. So let's hope there's hope for me still.

There's supposed to be a Key Club meeting today. Key Club is practically dead and I seem to be the only one who gives a damn because the advisor certainly doesn't. I feel so powerless because I can't hold meetings by myself, everything has to be done through the advisor...and the advisor just doesn't care. I HATE feeling powerless.
2 unknown roads| choose the path

, * —— , ]] . CAG3D WiNGS . {, )
HELLLPPP!! [03 Dec 2004|09:58pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Wow, the kitty looks insane. But, anyway. I need your help! Here's the thing...Emerson College asks me to write a very personal and difficult essay (in my opinion) for the Honors College. I have NO idea what to write. I know it seems absurd that I'm asking all of you to give me suggestions, but I've thought about this and I've realized that you guys know me just as well as anyone else if not better. You've read my thoughts, you know what I'm like...you know what's been going on in my life. So pleaaase try to give me some suggestion.

Here is the prompt:

Wallace Bacon, a recipient of an honorary doctorate from Emerson College in 1975, wrote that the liberal arts, or humanities, "are concerned with the question of what makes life worth living. And that question concerns not simply oneself but others. The humanities must help us learn who we are; they must help us learn the otherness of others."

In this light, dscribe an encounter with someone or something different -an "other" which revealed to you your senses of self and your relation to humanity. This encounter may involve a person, place, culture, or text.

So here is my question. Do any of you remember a time when I discussed someone or something that had a profound effect on me? That opened my eyes to something? Should I write about my dad? Would it be too tacky to write about a boyfriend? How about Sasha?

choose the path

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